Tag: woman

In the Silence

It is here the thoughts came rushing back. Ideas and passion that I thought long forgotten came reminding me of before when my responsibilities weren’t as heavy and I could breathe a little easier as the stresses of adulthood and career had yet to hold me hostage.

I’m finally home, free from distraction, momentarily unrestrained from obligation.

Away from endless loops of hair tutorials and conspiracy theories. Here in the silence I am reminded why I stopped talking that summer.

This past weekend I did something that I hadn’t done since high school-sat in silence, no tv, no cell phone just my thoughts. The feeling was uncomfortable and much needed.

It is here that all senses are alive and that dead feeling, the nagging feeling of only existing fades. In the Silence I can hear the rain fall onto the drive way, I can finally taste the coconut milk in the lukewarm coffee.

In the Silence I find discomfort and yet I find a strange peace; I am re-discovering the Creative, the Dreamer and the Humanist has returned; pieces of me overshadowed by the Cynic, the Perfectionist and the Pessimist. I know now that I must deaden the noise and snuff out the blue light.

In this dreary hour and in the small room in this silence I have found ME.

Depression

It comes out of the blue bringing with it Darkness and dread; I hoped it would stop, give me some reprieve

I’ve given enough. I’ve given everything

When it comes, it arrives like a quiet Alabama storm, I can only huddle like a small child. I am afraid of this darkness, terrified of what it can bring, the thoughts it has brought with it before.

But It never comes alone.

Depression always brings friends, its posse; Hopelessness, Unworthiness, and Dread. They stand patiently as the table is being set. Quietly, they take their seat ready for tea time as they sip on my emotions and dine on my sanity leaving only scraps.

Desperately, I fumble around stitching pieces together trying to find enough that I can use to function as I go about my day pretending that I am whole.

That I’m okay.

All Roads Lead to Karen…and They Are Bumpy

For the past seven to eight months, I have obsessed over this particular woman.

She is driving me to the edge, well I will say not quite the edge but I am definitely close and beneath my feet is an abyss with endless possibilities. Although inspiring, I do believe this part of the problem with her and her story.

Sounds strange, but Karen is the main character in a novella that I can’t seem to get pass the first four paragraphs in chapter one. Just when I sit down and begin typing I open up another word doc and begin in another direction. Even when I am not writing I am thinking of what would she do here, is this something she would like to use to kill someone with?

She is always in my thoughts.

Do you obsess? If you do, I’d like to hear about it.